Disclaimer:
I have not worked with a license professional, but it is widely recommended to do so.
I am sharing with you what has been the truth for me, and what has moved me forward in a huge way.
Please be discerning and wise on what can move you forward,
because the goal is always to expand and never simply to struggle and roam.
The accountability that can come from partnering with a licensed professional is no small piece of the puzzle,
for it is not wise to ignore the things that are uncovered.
The discoveries will change you, almost without realizing your efforts towards improving yourself.
The shadow self gets closer and closer after coming into your awareness.
This is exactly what we want; never to pretend it isn’t there.
Accountability, encouragement, and guidance may be best found for you
in partnering with a professional.
Be open to all of your options.
My journey inward began without me seeking it out,
and I chose to go it alone.
I am so grateful.
_________
I vividly remember being a 10 year old girl,
looking at myself in the mirror on 2 different occasions,
and feeling deeply scared of me.
The mirror was no stranger to me,
because in my house,
image mattered most.
But these 2 occasions were recognizably different.
I am still spellbound.
My eyes were locked on the reflection’s eyes,
staring.
Intensely staring.
I distinctly remember opening my eyes wider, then squinting.
Was I trying to literally see in?
How did I know?
It was consuming.
I felt a strange, almost reverent dread.
Was this what they call self respect?
____________
My go-to emotion by that time in my life was fear,
but it wasn’t truly fear that I felt.
I wasn’t afraid.
In fact, I was bold- that’s why I didn’t break the stare.
Undaunted, on both sides.
___________
There was power, in both sets of eyes-
in the 10 year old human,
and in the elusive reflection.
Was it just curiosity?
Nope, it was more than curiosity;
it was a visceral understanding.
I knew there was a vastness.
A hidden vastness.
An expansive reality in my subconscious…
it made me feel leery, to say the least.
___________
All at once,
I could see both the profound potential in those eyes
and the mere humanity of a 10 year old girl.
I’ll never forget it.
I still see both, at 40 years old.
___________
I am still perplexed by it.
I still contemplate it in the deepest moments with myself.
I question if I’ve been running from the power I saw, ever since.
After all, who the hell knows what to do with THAT –
the 10 year old girl certainly did not.
An intense heat reflected in those eyes, and I saw it plainly.
Perhaps that was my first encounter with my shadow and weakness,
or maybe my first detection of my light and power.
I’m honestly not sure.
The life I’d manifest for decades after that
would be characterized by suppression, distraction, and restraint.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Shadow Work
I am so grateful that at 38 years old,
I remembered that encounter with myself.
Nothing could stop me from exploring everything that was inside of me,
no matter how far down it was.
And it was buried deep.
__________
All the hype around Shadow Work just made me fear it
and wonder how to embark on such a massive undertaking.
I calculated the tools and courses I needed that I couldn’t afford,
what techniques were probably necessary that I didn’t know yet,
and what the hell to say to an inner child
who probably knows more than a 38 year old woman after decades of suppression.
The methods and techniques for integrating the shadow self seemed daunting for a woman who knew she was still so detached and disconnected.
______________
Read this Letter if you want to hear the details of what it looked like when I embarked on what’s commonly known as ‘Shadow Work’ about a year ago.
Trust me, it involves none of the quiet, meditative, and carefully considered approaches that are recommended.
My unprepared approach was much different than journal prompts, speaking to the inner child, and acknowledging trauma wounds.
Read this Letter to go back another year and understand how I first encountered myself again, sparking this whole journey in the first place.
_____________
Look, “shadow work” is simply going inside of yourself.
Honestly, I hate the term shadow work.
The Alchemy of Shadow and Light, now that is more like it.
There will be light, and there will be dark.
It will become clear to you very quickly
that there is never only shadow or only light.
Inside of you there is always both darkness and light, and they’re never far apart.
There is so much hope in this.
Do not embark on a search for your ‘shadow self’ only.
That seems fragmented, guilt stricken, and pity seeking.
_____________
Give this next section your full attention,
because there is a very important distinction I want to make here.
Personally,
it was more difficult for me to see the Light than the shadows
when I’d journey into myself.
Am I mistaken,
or do we always hear about people encountering their dark side
on this journey into the self?
Most people say that their proud ego covers up darker aspects of themselves
in order to keep their self esteem in tact and make them feel better about themselves.
It’s quite the opposite for me and I suspect many others.
__________
My ego kept me down.
My ego kept me lacking pride and self esteem and self respect.
_________
That’s the surest way to never make a mess of all the Light you possess-
just to stay shadowy.
The surest way not to muck up your power is to play small.
I think that 10 year old Angel bought into the power she saw in those eyes.
She truly believed what she saw.
Maybe she gave off an air of that power at 10 years old,
and was quickly forced to play weaker and smaller,
so she didn’t cause an upset around her.
Through the years,
my ego knew it could easily seal the deal
on a cookie cutter, fake, and predictable version of the truth.
That old serpent, the ego.
My ego had its reasons.
_________
I see it all so plainly when I go inside my inner world.
You will come to understand things about yourself, too,
as you spend time inside your inner world.
The only way to see these deeper things about yourself is to look.
_________
It seems like people believe that the ego
only glorifies you in your own eyes (at least this is what I thought).
You know, making you feel more impressive or honorable than you truly are.
But my ego had me wandering in the shadows and the weeds!
It didn’t prop me up at all; it held me down.
When you’re the constant underdog, it’s easy to feel great about yourself.
Self sabotage and codependence are the name of that game.
I had mastered it.
The LIGHT and powerful parts of me were hidden-
these parts were not accepted by my ego, and they were suppressed.
This is what I consider my shadow self.
Erich Neumann says that the shadow is the region of the personality
that is unrecognized and even unknown by the ego.
The ego actively suppresses certain aspects of us
in order to maintain the front persona.
The Shadow Self for me
(at least as I see it right now)
is the power, the light, and the high good of me.
After all, that’s a tell order to fill,
and it scares the hell out of my ego.
Talk about unrealized potential all these years.
No wonder I felt squashed and repressed and held down.
It’s what I was manifesting; my entire life played into it.
Now that’s a tough pill to swallow.
That’s shadowy.
Regret shows itself to me often
as a hole.
A midnight blue colored hole.
Like the vast cosmos, reversed.
I won’t play small anymore.
This is one of the first discoveries I made in my inner world.
Deep down, I don’t actually want to be weak or victimized or diminished.
But it doesn’t look heroic or grandiose for me
to not-play-small.
It only looks very real.
It looks capable.
It looks dynamic.
It looks like a strong, flowing octopus in deep, open water.
It’s wild, that’s all.
It keeps it’s wild nature.
I guess that psychic was right when she called me “a p*ssy.”
I’ve been running scared of being strong and good and expanded my whole life.
So I’ve played the small, guilt stricken, pitiful struggler.
The victim.
It seemed a whole lot easier, I suppose,
than being the strong one in the room.
Afterall, a strong badass who’s full of light, well that’s alot.
So, “shadow work”, as they call it?
It’s a whole lot less intimidating than they make it seem.
Go in, looking for the Light.
You’ll see the shadows next to it.
Never only expect shadows.
Because both shadows and light in union
are the only way forward.
Don’t rest in your shadows.
I was comfortable in the guilty, shameful, regretful aspects of myself-
so it became my front.
In the real shadowlands was the power, the Light-
that’s what I was scared of.
Strangely, shadow work brought out the light that created my shadows in the first place.
It always does, according to the elders.
Carl Jung said, “To confront a person with his shadow is to show him his own light.”
Shadow work isn’t a dark process.
It’s hopeful.
Be encouraged.
In your shadowlands
you will, without a doubt, encounter your light just as much as your darkness.
This is a truth that has been discovered by every soul who has dared to encounter themselves all the way.
Light is always right next to the shadow.
Don’t forget this.
There isn’t anything to fear.
I have learned this truth through experience,
and I can say it with 100% certainty.
This is precisely what will take each of us towards wholeness.
This is what heals.
Never forget.
The greater your shadow, the greater your light.
For me, at age 40, things seem more practical now than they ever have before.
More tangible.
A little more simple.
It’s a little easier to imagine going into those eyes I saw in the reflection of 10 year old Angel.
It’s all a little more simple than I realized all these years.
There is truly nothing to fear.
___________
So, I go in.
I stay bold.
I stay moving.
I stay constantly playing in the shadows and in the light.
I am in both.
And one always leads me to the other, and then back around again.
Transformation.
Shadows and Light.
This is life.
Till next Saturday,
Angel