December 14, 2024
To those like me,
who are on an intentional journey of the Soul,
let us not forget that it is a long and slow road we travel,
not a quick or sudden arrival or conclusion.
Let’s observe the tendency we might have to look back on previous phases of our journey with embarrassment or even guilt.
I’ve noticed this pattern in my own behavior in the recent year.
The slow, steady pace of the process rather makes me think of a flower blooming.
If you’re reading this, I suspect you might be experiencing this blossoming firsthand, just like me.
Where I am now on my spiritual trek
and every inch of the trail behind me,
has fundamental value
and should never be looked on with disgust or judgement later down the road.
The same is true for you and your journey.
My past states of being (and yours, too) weren’t just “superficial moods”, as I have let myself degradingly internalize in the past.
They were the deepest layers of my soul at the time-
my Heart and Soul-
no more, no less.
You and I should keep in mind:
the earlier expressions of ourselves weren’t shallow, though we may be tempted to look at them that way now.
They were vital. They were pivotal.
As for me,
with all my heart,
I vow that as I bare my Soul now,
I won’t discard it as shallow in the future
when I am more deeply identified with my Soul.
Because all of my mental capacity to feel and relate to others and even myself,
is only proportional to how open my heart is.
Remembering this permits me to love myself- not to criticize and never to condemn.
I’ve noticed that as I begin growing deeper, “spiritually” speaking,
I have to fight off a very real sense of embarrassment (and even guilt and shame) about my previous stage.
There’s a deep pitfall here that I was completely unaware of-
a rather hidden trap-
and I want to make you aware of it.
It’ll be a common trap for anyone who is seeking to intentionally move higher and deeper.
Tell me.
Have you ever experienced that sinking feeling in your stomach when you realize,
“Dang, I’ve come a long way in a few months”?
It should feel encouraging to have made progress, right?
We should feel proud of ourselves, yeah?
Herein lies the dangerous trap.
For me, a feeling of discouragement fueled an ‘Imposter’s Syndrome’ mentality for awhile.
It seems that deep self-doubt and self criticism
along with the process of working through that doubt,
has been a significant part of my personal journey thus far.
I did not feel positive when I’d think about my spiritual growth.
It only reinforced a self image of being dormant and stagnant previously.
When I’d realize I had ‘grown,’
I tried to make myself feel better with this train of thought:
“Well, I’m not that much different now than I was. It’s not like anything major has changed.” (I was downplaying my new growth and transformations- a dangerous trap, indeed, for one who seeks to keep evolving!)
or
“I sure was duping myself to think that my last ‘phase’ was evolved at all! This phase is probably no different- the sooner I can reach the next level and hurry past this very small growth period, the better. It’s literally embarrassing to even call this ‘growth’ honestly. I sure hope I don’t get stuck in this low stage of development.” (I was fearing that if I invested myself fully at each stage, I might stagnate at that level in my journey- therefore a sense of hurry and acceleration was warranted.)
For the insecure mind, coming to terms with new growth can put a negative spin on your previous phase and cause real discouragement and Imposter’s Syndrome (feeling like your insights and experiences just aren’t valid or genuine).
If we are not careful, it’s sometimes easy to forget that we’re on a journey of growth.
We’re the caterpillar, destined to be the butterfly.
The spark that’ll become the flame.
The seed that’ll develop into the deeply rooted tree.
You get the point.
There are phases to any transformation.
We’re in a process.
Do you see the beauty in the past phases?
It took me a minute, but I can see it now.
And trust me, initially, I was blind to seeing beauty in the layers of me
that I’m beginning to integrate now.
But accepting and loving every layer of me that manifests itself, has clearly been necessary for my Spiritual development.
Acceptance and love for yourself will come
as you learn to view your past self without the judgement.
And remember, judgements aren’t only negative, you know?
Learn to disclaim any negative or positive judgements about where you’re at on your journey.
I’ve realized that self-criticism and self-praise are equally limiting.
The true freedom lies in neutral observation.
I work towards cultivating a constant, non-judgmental awareness of my thoughts and feelings.
I invite you to do the same.
I have been able to feel how different it is for me
to observe myself without any judgement,
and I crave this neutral perspective.
It’s a young practice yet,
and my awareness is fleeting right now,
but I’ll train myself in this neutral observation.
It feels so powerful.
There’s an almost tangible sense of freedom in staying neutral.
My high aim is to develop a Witness inside of myself that cultivates a constant awareness of my actions and feelings, without an opinion that is negative or positive about them.
Be encouraged.
So much begins with accepting all of the past versions of ourselves.
They have all been vital to where we are now.
Appreciate them.
Every single situation is a part of our sacred path, no more no less.
None of it should be reduced or amplified.
I look at the version of woman I was about 5 years ago:
scarcely able to look people in the eye,
desperate to be given attention, love, or affection,
paralyzed and instantly brought to tears by critical words,
disinterested in getting haircuts or going to the dentist fearing the probing and intrusion.
When I am looking at myself neutrally and with my Soul’s eyes,
I don’t feel pity, disgust, or anger towards this version of myself.
I see it, though.
I don’t dismiss it or minimize it.
I also don’t amplify it.
I accept it. No more, no less.
What this will all eventually transmute into, I cannot pretend to know yet.
If we can learn how to look on any phase of our life with acceptance and open hearted love towards ourselves,
it will allow us to live in the now
without hesitation or reservation.
I’ve discovered firsthand,
you’ll really go all in, giving your all to every experience and every stage of your life.
You wont feel the need to minimize where you are right now,
and the accomplishments associated with this phase of your life.
Do you see?
This brings value to every stage, every moment.
Do you see how this allows you to really commit?
This became clear to me just this year as I started practicing detached awareness in my normal, every day life.
As my teacher and guide, Riccardo Carra, says,
“There is no such thing as “spiritual” behavior. There is awareness or lack of awareness.”
And this awareness simultaneously lightens my load and adds oceans of depth- such a paradox to me.
Till next time,
Angel