DISCLAIMER
It’s likely that you’re going to get offended while reading this,
especially if you are currently lying to yourself (like I did).
It’s likely I might even offend myself.
Oh well.
Here’s to being blatantly honest with ourselves and keeping it real.
Consider this my example of how to use real anger
as a driving force for something good.
But as a disclaimer: By all means, do what seems good to you
for your growth.
My Take on Positive Affirmations
___________
Positive Affirmations give me the ick.
To me, they are the essence of my narcissistic mother-
my fake-smiling,
ego-boosting,
lipstick praising,
suffocating,
stiff-affection giving,
engulfing,
narcissistic mother, to be exact.
My entire childhood seems like one, huge positive affirmation.
Lies sweetly served up on a gorgeous and overflowing platter.
A huge and believable scam.
I’ll stop there; that’s probably too much energy given already.
__________
I’m grateful, though, for the increased awareness and sensitivity
that my past has given me
for empty words.
__________
Positive Affirmations As a Trap
There’s ALOT of women nowadays who were raised in a family dynamic
that was full of empty words.
If we have this sort of background,
and certainly if we have a marriage that manifests the same dynamic,
our inner voice is unfazed by self-deception.
Our inner voice can easily fake things that are obviously untrue,
and it does this automatically and without hesitation.
It was trained to do this.
It can be retrained, so don’t make excuses.
_____________
The Current Trend of Positive Affirmations
Our culture has positioned positive affirmations as a healing technique
that is particularly attractive to people raised in this dynamic
(especially daughters raised by narcissistic mothers)-
saying the exact opposite of what is actually true in many, many cases.
Examples:
“I am doing the best that I can” is stated confidently by someone who knows that’s far from true.
“I know myself” is said with conviction by someone who feels utterly lost.
“I take care of myself” often couldn’t be further from the truth.
“I feel natural excitement when I think about my sexuality” is a joke.
“I love the person I am being in the world” is trance-like.
“I do not compare myself to others” is a blatant lie.
___________
5 years ago, I would’ve been lying if I had said any of these things.
It would have been exactly wrong for me to say these things
hoping for any growth or healing whatsoever.
It didn’t go very well when I gave it a shot.
I wrote down about 100 statements
on brightly colored pieces of paper about 5 years ago
(I polka-dotted them, too).
I read these statements out loud in the bathroom
for about 5 days in a row.
When I say I hated it…
I mean I found it utterly repulsive.
It felt wrong on every single level, deep in my bones.
I’m proud of myself now
for rejecting what I knew was a lie back then.
So, I modified the words in the polka-dotted positive affirmations
hoping that they would ‘work’ better.
I remember changing the one that said, “I feel good about my body”
to “I want to feel good about my body.”
I said it out loud for a couple of days.
It still wasn’t true, because I didn’t want to feel good about my body.
I later changed it to read,
“I realize that I don’t feel good about my body and I’m considering changing that.”
Hell, it was a step in the right direction- it was the truth.
__________
Lying To Yourself Using Positive Affirmations
‘Affirm’ literally means to state something as it is-
to state the truth.
For example, “The court affirmed his conviction,”
or “He was affirmed as a candidate for the election.”
The issue is…
reciting “Positive Affirmations” forces us to remain positive in what we say,
no matter the truth.
Look, the power of a positive affirmation to yourself
is in its truthfulness.
__________
The bottom line is that the truth of every matter is NOT necessarily positive.
__________
It’s rather like gaslighting YOURSELF
if you ‘affirm’ something that you know is not true.
Person 1: “You’re doing so good at that!”
Person 2: “I’m failing miserably. Are you being sarcastic, or what?”
My mother used to gaslight (*eh hem*)
I mean “positively affirm” me,
day in and day out,
at absurd moments
when none of it made any sense.
She’d say things like this:
(when I’d be unhappy)
“ Darling, you’re so sweet and happy.
You sure do smile pretty.
Hmmm….? Let me see….?
Yep there it is.
There’s that pretty smile.
You’re so happy.”
or
(to a naive 1st grader)
“Hold that head up, you’re so confident!
We all want to look pretty.
There’s nothing wrong with that.
You always strut your stuff.
You’re so confident!”
or
(when I’d wake up groggy or upset over my bad dream)
“Girl, you just couldn’t have had a better night’s sleep, huh?
You’re feeling bright eyed and bushy tailed, aren’t ya?
Look at you!”
__________
Do you see how this relates to positive affirmations that just aren’t true?
We are deceiving ourselves if we say things that are nonsense.
Never, and I mean never, lie to yourself.
The surest way to shoot yourself in the foot with your growth and healing
is to say ANYTHING that you don’t actually believe is true.
You’re going to need to get a little more creative and a little more realistic than that.
Because half of your affirmations are probably bullshit.
Mine certainly were.
__________
Don’t say you are something
that you don’t believe you are.
Don’t say you feel something
that you do not actually feel.
You’ll be better off saying ANYTHING that’s true
versus something that is a lie.
Lying to yourself is the surest way to break your own trust.
And growth is ALL about learning that you can trust yourself.
It’s all about loving you.
Expansion and healing and progress- it’s about truth.
It is never, and I mean NEVER, brought about by a lie.
__________
Ways That I Affirm Myself?
If reading this has made you aware of your own self deception,
good.
I have some ways to make this work.
Here’s details of how I do it now and how I’ve done it in the past.
I construct fictional characters using my mind.
I affirm what is true about them, not what is true about myself.
I’m able to see that character from a different angle
than I could see myself anyway-
I look at her from the outside.
This helps me alot.
I create a character in my mind and I speak of her strengths
and her traits
from my point of view.
And as the character takes shape in my mind,
I usually decide I want to be more like her (the character).
She becomes an example to me.
This absolutely leads me in the right direction,
without falsely telling myself I’m already where I want to be.
Sage, a wild and free octopus from my meditation album, is the classic example.
Things I might speak of Sage the octopus for positive affirmation are:
“She is carefree and strong and feminine.”
“Her independence is not a rebellion against anyone or anything.”
“She is the same whether she is alone or on display.”
___________
Another approach of mine is to fully envision an older version of me.
I speak words to her and speak traits of hers,
because she is where I want to be- where I will be.
I might say,
“Her confidence is clearly deep rooted and it’s obvious in the way she speaks.”
“Health is a priority.”
“She communicates herself clearly and with discernment.”
“She is very still sometimes.”
Then she speaks back to me as my mentor.
This is the older version of me affirming me
and assuring me that I CAN be the way that she is
and that I WILL be where she is-
a direct conversation with my future self.
She might say,
“You are learning good control over your energy.”
“I’m proud of you for not seeking validation from other people. That is developing your independence.”
____________
In conclusion
Lying to yourself isn’t the only way to feel good or feel better about your state of being.
It feels so good to be honest with yourself.
There is always a way to speak truthfully,
and lying to yourself is never the only positive manifestation.
Retrain your inner voice to say something that is the truth.
Lying to yourself about your current state of being is never the right option.
Remember the way that I affirm myself, if that helps you.
I litterally do whatever I need to do
to make sure I don’t deceive myself.
Be honest about your tendency to lie to yourself or to deceive yourself,
if that’s true for you.
I finally got very real with myself at age 37.
There’s probably valid reasons for why your inner voice isn’t truthful with you.
But there is no valid reason for leaving it that way
once you’ve realized it.
Do not continue being dishonest with your words.
I urge you to start being brutally honest with yourself,
and do not accept the tiniest bit of self deceit.
But remember,
the truth doesn’t need to be harsh.
Let me repeat: The truth does not need to be harsh.
It only needs to be real and honest.
This is what true love is anyway.
True love is telling the truth.
This is the only way forward.
Till next Saturday,
Angel
