September 21, 2024
(from the perspective of an emotionally guarded woman)
I’ve always been one to keep my feelings pretty neutral most of the time, you know?
I try to steer clear of ups and downs, as far as my feelings go.
It feels safe that way, to me.
_______
I didn’t realize how much my kitchen would open me up
and make me more comfortable to feel and express those feelings.
_______
As I stand in my kitchen,
surrounded by the stove,
the pots and pans,
the kitchen table,
I feel the beginnings of a transformation in my emotional landscape.
The act of cooking meals for my family each night
has awakened a deep sense of satisfaction and contentment within me
that feels very natural while I’m in my kitchen.
I feel a self contentment that feels new to me.
I used to approach cooking as a mundane task,
a chore to be completed without fuss.
The clang of pots and pans, the sizzle of oil in a pan, the rhythmic chopping of vegetables
were mere duties to perform.
I didn’t realize the significance of putting on an apron and cooking every night.
_______
Recently, I bought a colorful apron to wear while I cook.
It’s bright yellow and blue; it’s pretty.
No one realizes what the colorfulness of that apron signifies, except for me.
In the kitchen, I’ve found a safe place for my emotions, my color.
I feel my color more while I cook.
I think cooking is starting to change me.
_______
One evening, as I stood at the stove,
stirring a pot of bubbling hot soup,
I noticed my children’s voices growing louder in the background.
There was laughter ringing through the air.
I realized something profound –
their joy was linked to the food I was preparing!
Their joy was linked to what I doing in my kitchen.
They always get that way when the smell of supper starts filling the house.
What I’m doing in this kitchen is changing the atmosphere in the house at night.
As the fragrant aroma filled the kitchen and the whole house,
I found my heart warming with an emotion I’d long buried – contentment.
Contentment with myself.
It’d feel presumptuous to call it respect or pride for me, so I’ll just use the word contentment.
___________
I had become a silent observer of our family’s shared experiences,
but now, I’m realizing I’m a participant.
Heck, I’m the creator of experiences every night through my cooking!
I’m realizing that I’m an emotional anchor for my children.
Being an emotional anchor for them doesn’t feel so filled with pressure
with such a practical and hands-on avenue to call into play.
I’m actually quite capable of being an emotional anchor.
The realization washed over me like water,
and I felt a sense of connection and belief in myself I’d never thought possible.
The simple act of cooking has become a channel
for me to express my love and my dedication to my kids.
Every meal is a show of affection.
I’ve learned to express myself through these meals,
something I’d struggled to do through words.
The self contentment I’ve experienced is not a fleeting emotion.
It’s become a steady undercurrent in my life,
one that flows from the depths of my heart.
One that flows into my heart, and feeds it.
It gives me profound satisfaction to nurture them in this way.
This journey has not just been about cooking;
it has become an exploration of my own emotions.
I’m no longer willing to think of myself as “emotionally unavailable.”
I’ve discovered a new way to express my love, through the simple act of cooking.
And I trust many more new ways will reveal themselves to me.
The clang of pots and pans, the sizzle of oil in a pan, and the rhythmic chopping of vegetables are now infused with emotions,
a testament to the change that has happened inside of me.
Cooking has become a living philosophy,
a reflection of my heart,
and an avenue for emotional connection.
Once an emotionally distant mother,
I’ve evolved into an open-hearted creator
of love, care, and nourishment.
________
So, if you’ve ever felt emotionally distant,
perhaps it’s worth considering the healing power of home-cooking meals.
The journey may not be quick,
but it is deeply rewarding.
It’s about embracing the philosophy of love, happiness, and contribution,
not just for the family you cook for,
but for your own heart.
Love for yourself.
Happiness about yourself.
Contribution to yourself.
I’ve discovered all of it,
in my kitchen.
I have found a key to unlocking my emotions.
Till next Saturday,
Angel
