There are many different types of women.
I am writing to a very specific one.
A lot of women feel like they have lost themselves after becoming a mother.
But not all mothers feel it to the same degree.
Some may feel a little out of place and miss themselves a bit after having kids.
But the mother that I am speaking to
is like me-
She feels like an entire constellation went dark gradually,
a whole damn galaxy.
She realizes the depth and nuance inside of her,
and she recognizes that she isn’t manifesting that anymore.
She remembers the badass woman that’s inside of her,
and she misses herself, deeply.
There is a tinge of anger when she contemplates
the parts of herself that society labels as “lost in motherhood.”
She remembers herself before this shift towards apathy set in.
It felt good to be that woman, and she likes to feel good.
It looked good to be that woman, and she likes to look good.
It was deep; frankly, she likes deep.
The woman I am speaking to
had a deep connection with herself.
Nobody seems to remember that enchanting, badass woman anymore, though.
People only see the apathetic, numb, and drained version of her.
She knows that she has become a woman with little vitality and color.
When she thinks about it, she only cries and feels angry.
She misses her old self.
She deeply misses her connection with herself.
That’s the mother I am writing to,
because she feels like I did, for decades.
She is like me.
It seemed the woman inside of me had died
and was never coming back.
I’m 40 now,
I have found what it means to remember myself.
And I have so much to say about it.
I hope I can use my experience
of profound “self-redemption”
to help you.
Lost and Found
There are two separate stages in this gradual self-redemption.
Stage 1:
REALIZING that your essence is muted and FEELING the loss
It’s a gradual dimming that has happened over the years-
a slow fade-
but it becomes blatantly obvious to you eventually.
You can’t quite pinpoint it, but your ‘self’ as a woman feels muted.
For me, it seemed to begin at age 22, after becoming a mother.
Interestingly,
there was a clear difference in how I felt when I was alone
versus how I felt when I was around anyone else.
Being alone and being around anyone else felt increasingly different through the years-
and it felt significant to me in my 30’s.
In fact, it became blatantly obvious to me that this was the case.
In hindsight,
the stark contrast between my “alone self”
and my “performing self,” as I lovingly call it now,
proved to be a key to
helping me realize that I had never lost myself,
but instead I had deeply wandered from myself in the company of others.
99% of the time,
I couldn’t feel myself anymore.
But my intuition trusted me, alone.
I could feel my true self when I was alone…sometimes.
The contrast was undeniable eventually,
but nobody knew it except for me.
The weight of this disconnect was heavy on me.
It felt like there was so much more to me,
covered beneath the “normal” drained and apathetic version I’d become.
Stage 2:
ENCOUNTERING your essence again
Encountering your essence…
This isn’t just a memory, it’s a tangible feeling-
one that will give you security that you’re still alive on the inside.
It’s the proof you’ve craved-
the knowledge that your essence is still there
on the inside of you.
You can feel it, and there’s no denying that can you feel it.
There’s no stopping the transforming energy once this happens.
The transformation back to yourself is inevitable.
The meditation album that I created is meant to give you a space to encounter yourself.
All you really need is space to feel yourself again.
You haven’t lost yourself.
And it’s such a relief when you realize it!
One more thing before I really dive in-
For me,
I encountered myself deeply again
with a man who saw everything that was hidden in me
almost immediately,
and loved me deeply.
He consistently gave me space to feel.
To feel myself again- to explore myself deeply.
The essence of me was summoned out to roam and play again.
There was no need for fear or hiding.
He is not with me anymore.
I carry on my transformation alone,
and I want to share that transforming energy with you.
My consciousness woke up.
The essence of me breathed again.
And it has become my life’s work to
give you a transforming space
for your consciousness to wake up again, too.
Because once you encounter your essence again,
the profound transformation is already beginning.
Realizing and Feeling the Loss
Did I realize that I had tucked myself away?
Yes.
For years, I realized it.
Who didn’t?
It was obvious.
And it seemed like the real me was getting more and more distant.
It wasn’t; I was wrong.
In fact, it was getting closer and closer.
But I’ll explain that shortly.
Did I understand the reasons why
I felt so disconnected from myself as a woman?
Absolutely not.
And I damn well had no time to figure it out.
I had a bunch of kids to take care of
and was just trying to be a good Mama.
I was busy, stressed, and overwhelmed.
I cried every time I tried to explain anything
that I felt on the inside.
So eventually,
I stopped trying to explain it,
and stopped wondering how it’d happened.
Around 30 years old,
a mother of many kids,
I guess I just accepted it.
It was gone, I told myself.
It wasn’t coming back.
And nobody but me
even remembered it was there in the first place.
It was history.
Deep down, I felt angry for having lost it.
I would later realize,
that the anger was a sign that I hadn’t lost it.
“Anger is that part of you that loves you the most.” -Shane Bouel
In my mid 30’s,
gradually, a realization started happening:
being alone was different.
When I was alone,
a feeling would emerge
that vanished anytime I was around others,
even my precious kids.
My first wave of realization came when I would exercise
alone in my dim, half-lit basement.
This stage of self remembrance wasn’t as sophisticated or enlightened
as candles, incense, prayers, or rituals.
My essence was making itself clear to me in a dark basement.
I genuinely felt different
when I was surrounded by only my own energy.
I felt a hope that I didn’t let myself feel
when I wasn’t completely alone.
A hope, a connection, a love.
I don’t have words for how it felt,
but I couldn’t deny that I was tuned into myself in those times.
It seemed to me that it had something to do with movement,
with my body moving.
I’ve come to realize that I had essentially
disconnected from my body in a lot of ways during those years.
My body seemed to summon me back in, at first.
When I would move my body, I felt my essence.
Not when I would look at my body,
not when I would touch my body,
not when my body would be touched-
but when I,
by my own choice,
would move my body.
It was still there, and I knew it.
It was contained inside of my body.
This gave me hope.
I was able to connect.
I was able to feel it when everyone else in the house was asleep, too.
Maybe you can relate.
When I was in only my own energy, there was a connection.
I came to realize that there was something alive inside of me
that chose to only come out when I was by myself.
My essence was hiding, yes.
But it sure as heck wasn’t dead.
I suppose I knew I could trust myself with it.
My own intuition trusted itself,
even after so many years of being quieted.
It didn’t trust anyone else, but it trusted me.
I must’ve loved myself alot-
though it certainly appeared that I didn’t.
I trusted myself in the deepest parts of me
and I was proving that to myself.
Let me tell you something
that I wish someone could’ve gotten through to me.
It might seem like you ‘need support’
because you might truly lack support.
You might think you just ‘need somebody who understands’
or ‘somebody that you can trust’-
And if you only had that…
then you could open back up and regain your “lost identity.”
No.
You’re wrong.
No, no, no.
You can support yourself.
And you are proving that to yourself.
You are able to support yourself.
You don’t need anyone else to find you.
Your essence trusts you with your awareness, with your self.
Your essence is giving you awareness
by giving you that lost feeling.
Be grateful to yourself for that.
You are leading yourself and supporting yourself
by feeling ‘lost.’
That ‘lost’ feeling is a gift.
A gift from yourself.
Some women never really feel that deep loss.
If you do, then the transformation has already begun.
Your intuition isn’t backing down- because you’re strong.
You’re very strong.
And everything you need is still inside of you.
Your essence is summoning you
back to yourself, already.
You love yourself way more than you thought you did.
You want yourself back.
That’s what you’re feeling-
because you love yourself.
Encountering Yourself and the Gradual Transformation
After realizing that you can still feel your essence
(maybe when you’re alone, like me)
and even after getting tastes or glimpses of the real-you-feeling,
there’s more that will happen as you gradually reconnect with yourself.
It may happen when you’re alone
or while you’re in someone else’s energy, like it did for me.
You will ENCOUNTER your own essence
and EXPERIENCE it head on.
I mean raw,
no bullshit
encounter with yourself.
Something that nobody could ever make you doubt.
Give that to yourself- go inside.
This happened for me in the presence of a man,
whose transformational, opening energy I cannot put into words.
I call him the Transformer.
I was given space
to explore it, engage with it, and act it out.
Now, I give that special space to myself.
I give myself the space to engage with it fully
and explore myself completely.
And it continues to transform me.
I have created The Profound Playground for any mother who needs such a transforming space.
Once you become aware that you CAN still feel it,
and that you are NOT numb,
and that you ARE able to touch it-
well, it’s inevitable at that point.
That starts the journey back.
Back to yourself.
Your essence is summoning you back, and it’s strong.
That journey back to yourself won’t be a fast one.
It is gradual,
a little messy,
but strong as hell.
It’s profound.
No more, no less.
It is profound.
All you need is a space to touch it again…
to genuinely feel it.
I call it my Playground.
It is a Profound Playground.
I’m so grateful.
Till next week,
Angel